


Y Variety Hour

by frangipani



Series: Halloween [3]
Category: Star Wars Legends - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Halloween Challenge, coruscant wierdness, don't read this for side characters as they are not my thing, oh my god frangi wrote something without shipping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-02
Updated: 2018-10-02
Packaged: 2019-07-23 20:35:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16166543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frangipani/pseuds/frangipani
Summary: Y Variety Hour is the hottest show on the HoloNet. Luke Skywalker however, just can't seem to catch it.





	Y Variety Hour

**Author's Note:**

> This is part of a Halloween challenge that my bud [strangeallure](https://archiveofourown.org/users/strangeallure/pseuds/strangeallure) is curating. She was kind enough to look at this over which makes this a 1.5 draft instead of a first draft.

The first time Luke heard of Ylos Variety Hour was during an interview where he was being asked about the progress made on refurbishing the Great Temple for the academy’s official opening. At the end, there’s was a ‘personal interest’ part and the Rodian interviewer crinkled her snout.

“And I wonder, Master Skywalker,” she said. “If you had any thoughts about the current popularity of Y Variety Hour. It’s taken the Core by storm.”

He narrowly restrained a wince. Although he’d been told beforehand about the personal interest part, he’d expected to be asked about the smashball finals or the coming Republic Day celebrations. Not...a HoloNet show.

Luke tilted his head. “I’m afraid I haven’t seen it. It’s been a rather...hectic time with all the preparations. I’ve been traveling back and forth between here and Yavin, which makes it difficult to catch up with the HoloNet.” It wouldn’t hurt to shift the conversation and he added, “To be truthful, when I do check, it’s to check which team made it to the finals.”

“Oh, of course, the smashball finals,” the interviewer said quickly, “you wouldn’t have time for a show like that -- it’s just caused such...furor. Some have even called it addictive.” 

She’d closed the interview soon after, and Luke had considered it a minor miss. After he’d taken his leave from the producers and the interviewer, he asked his Quarren assistant about it. 

He’d waved a hand with thick suction-tipped fingers. “It’s one of those prank shows,” he’d said dismissively as they got into an airtaxi. “No host, and no one knows who sets up the pranks. Garbage. It helps your brand _not_ to concern yourself with that.”

Luke had nodded. “Sounded like it’s popular. I expected to be asked about Republic Day.”

“You know how trends are in the City." He withdrew a spray bottle to moisten his skin, a health need for Quarren in non-aquatic environments. "It’ll be all the rage for a couple of months and then no one will remember it. She just wanted to see if she could appeal to the masses.”

\--

That had been the last Luke had heard about the show for a few months. The next occasion had been equally trivial. He was cleaning up the table at Han and Leia’s while Han was playing with the twins in the living room. Leia had gone into her room to send off a couple of messages to the office. 

He was just done bring the plates to the kitchen when he heard Leia scold, “Turn that off.”

“I didn’t know it’d be on,” Luke heard Han reply, “I just changed the channel and it was there,” and he heard the click of the system being shut down as he walked in.

Leia was frowning as she sat down. “I don’t believe in censorship,” she said darkly, “but some of the stuff they pass through the HoloNet during prime time…”

Luke threw them both a puzzled look. Jaina was pressing down some play clay mumbling “Squash squash.” Her brother had made a beeline for Leia’s lap, stuffed bantha in hand.

“What was it?”

“Some trash,” Han told him. “One of those mean-spirited prank shows.” 

Jacen raised up the bantha to Leia. “Bibi squash squash.” 

Luke had thought back to the Rodian’s question. “I think I was asked about some prank show in some interview.”

“Squash squash,” Leia parroted back, before making a face towards Luke that didn’t seem surprised. “They did?”

“Yeah, I don’t remember the name -- started with a ‘Y’. The interviewer said it was popular.” 

Jaina toddled over to Han, giving him a flat piece of playclay. “Make ball.” She laughs.

“That’s the one. Y Variety Hour does have plenty of fanatics,” Han said, looking at Leia, rolling the play clay in his hands.

“Why is it so popular?” Luke asked him as Leia made as if the stuffed bantha were walking towards Jacen, making low sounds that sounded like no bantha he’d ever heard.

"Not bantha," Jacen objected. "Speeder!"

“Because it appeals to beings’ worst natures,” Leia said without looking up from Jacen who was laughing as the bantha poked his belly and his neck. “The part of of them that wants to see others humiliated and thinks it’s _funny_. It’s programming for the lowest common denominator.” She made a disgusted noise.

“It’s a spectator sport,” Han added. “To see how far the show will go with their pranks. It’s not casual stuff. Last time they made this Twi’lek acrobat jump up a platform, ‘cept they brought in a hungry nexu for extra encouragement.” 

Luke felt his eyes widen. “They can’t do that.” He was admittedly not that familiar with show business, but even he knew about liability contracts. 

“It’s fake,” Leia said. Jacen had taken the bantha away and was making it jump on her lap and up her arms.

“Squish, squish,” Jacen repeated. “Bibi speeder go squish squish.”

“Just like those holothrillers,” Leia continued, looking up at Luke as the bantha squished its way up her shoulders. “But it’s still not good programming and it’s _everywhere_. I can’t even check my messages without some advertisement for it or some commentary on it showing up. Advertisements of it run all over Coco Town too. And it definitely shouldn’t be on now.”

Luke leaned back. “They run over Coco Town? I’ve never seen anything.”

Han was giving the balls of play clay back to Jaina. “You’re probably not lookin’, Kid. Don’t blame ya. It’s not your speed.”

Luke flashed him a lopsided smile. “Yeah, I know, but if it’s _that_ popular, I should have at least seen _something_. I’m not that clueless.”

Han shot him a pointed look and went back to handing Jaina the balls of clay. She immediately went back to pressing them down against the floor, repeating “squish, squish” with exuberance and laughing loudly. “No get up now!” She laughed even louder.

Luke frowned a little at the display. 

Han caught his eye. “Destructive phase.”

“Part of their intellectual development.” His sister nodded as Jacen continued making the bantha jump over her head. “Ow,” she pulled away gently when a couple of strands of her braid got caught in Jacen’s hand, “careful with the hair, sweetie.” 

“But Leia’s right. Usually they run it later.” Han shook his head. “I don’t know what they were thinkin’. Even fake, now’s not the time for a show like that. Beings always lose their heads over easy credits, just because something is popular--” 

Jacen broke into a delighted cackle. “Squish! Squish! Squish head!” His sister joined him in screaming laughter.

“I think it’s time to get bedtime started.” Leia met Han’s eye with a smile. “Before they get any more riled up.”

\--

Luke forgot all about the show after that, occupied with Republic Day festivities. Mara was going to come by and stay over for the duration. She’d spent the past weeks MidRim, looking over some of Karrde’s dealings. It’d be one of the few stretches of time they’d have together before he’d have to go to Yavin and they had to resync their schedules.

That was still several weeks away luckily. Given that some of his old friends were similarly involved in the festivities, he found himself slotting time to go see them at a mid-level cantina. 

“So they’re parading you out again, Luke?” Wedge threw back his ale. 

“Like they’re not parading you,” he retorted. “Thought you said you were stepping down.”

Wes broke into uproarious laughter and Wedge shot him a dirty look. “Oh wait,” Wes said to him, “We were supposed to take you seriously?”

Luke allowed himself a needling smile. “At least, _I’m_ a private citizen now.”

Groans spread around the table. 

“I’m sure you’re just spending your time watching Y Variety Hour, like the rest of Coruscant,” Hobbie clapped him on the back. 

“Funny thing,” Luke said, laughing, “I’ve tried, but I keep missing it.”

There was a mass of skeptical looks around the table. 

“How can you miss Y Variety Hour?” Wes asked.

“You would have to be blind,” Hobbie put in. “Or deaf.”

Wes turned to him thoughtfully. “He’s got the Force, I bet it’s _really_ helpful--”

Luke shook his head at them. “Hilarious, guys.”

Wedge was chuckling beside him. “They’re right. You must be really out of it not to notice. Every screen in all the districts, every airtaxi has ads or previews.”

“Really? They’ve sent me all over the City for Republic Day stuff and I’ve never seen anything.”

Puzzled looks surrounded him.

“I mean, I know about it,” he added somewhat defensively. “I was asked about it in an interview months ago, then it came on during prime time when I was at Han and Leia’s, but the twins were up--”

Wedge shook his head. “No good.”

“Yeah, they didn’t like it for their kids either. Said something about the pranks being in bad taste. Going too far.”

“It started like that,” Wedge said, almost reluctantly.

Luke stared at him strangely. “Started? So now it’s what?”

“I don’t know. Hard to describe.”

Taken aback by the vagueness Luke turned to Wes and Hobbie, “You guys too?”

Wes and Hobbie looked at each other. “Hard to describe is accurate,” Hobbie spoke up. “It’s like...it shows you a warped world.”

There was a second of silence, before Wes burst out laughing, the rest of them joining in.

Luke sighed and rolled his eyes. “Nice try, all of you. I was going to pick up the tab, but --”

The groans were louder this time around.

“It’s just a stupid show about dangerous pranks,” Hobbie said.

“The _lose a limb_ kind,” Wes added.

Luke glared at them. They were putting him on again. “They can’t show that.”

“With the right liability forms and disclaimers…” Wes shrugged.

Luke turned to Wedge. “Leia said it was a fake.”

“Could be.” Wedge’s fingers drummed on his ale bottle. “The fact that you’ve seen none of it is weirder than anything in it though.”

Hobbie broke out laughing. “Not the one with that poor Otolan.”

“Okay,” Wedge conceded. “That one _was_ rough.”

Luke cocked his head at Hobbie. “What happened?”

“You don't want to know,” Hobbie replied with a wince. “His trunk got caught in a speeder.” His hand made a yanking motion.

Luke pursed his lips. “If it was that bad, you would think this would actually make the sludgenews or something.” Surely he would have seen some headline.

“It does,” Wedge told him. “All the time. Your mind is probably on other things. It’s better than filling it up with that shavit anyway.”

It did sound that way, but there was something discomfiting in being so ignorant of all of it. True, he wasn’t an avid follower of whatever craze swept the Core, but he’d heard enough of Y Variety Hour, had been aware of it enough that surely he should have noticed something somewhere around him. And...

“I really have tried catching it a couple of times,” he admitted. “But I must have gotten the time wrong or something. Now I’m curious what all the fuss is about.”

“They don't repeat episodes.” Hobbie wagged a finger at him. “Ever.”

“How convenient,” Luke shot back.

Hobbie gave a shrug. “I don't make the rules.”

The night wore on with all of them filtering out little by little until only Luke and Wedge were left. It might have been the pulkay shots Wes had ordered near the end when he was three sheets to the wind, but Luke thought again of the show.

“I know things are a little...different,” he told Wedge. “But you guys didn’t have to sell me some hairless bantha story.”

Wedge snorted, and laughed. “Hairless bantha.”

Luke frowned at him. “I’m serious. It’s just a show.”

“Oh, you mean Y Vari-varit Varietyhour.” He grimaces. “Blasted pulkay.”

Luke laughed too, but Wedge somehow returned to the topic. “Yeah, justa show. No one’s selling nothing, Luke. Just a show.”

“I don’t know,” Luke admitted. “Feels a little like when I was a kid and everyone...talking about thing I didn’t know about. Laughing. Having a good time about it.”

“No,” Wedge lurches forward to tap Luke on the shoulder, almost missing it, but not quite. “Not like that. Justa show.”

“I keep missing it,” Luke furrowed his brow, the alcohol making his thoughts kind of fuzzy. “Last time...last time I knew it was s’ppos--supposed to be on. Wasn’t.”

Wedge leaned forward slightly, suddenly serious. “You think…?”

“What?”

“Maybe it don’t wanna see _you_?”

Luke burst out laughing. “Wow. That pulkay, huh. Aren’t you Corell--”

“Don’t.” Wedge raised a hand, forefinger up. “Goin’ home.”

Luke signaled the barkeep. “C'mon. Someone’s gotta make sure you don’t end in a ditch.” He helped Wedge up.

Wedge teetered a bit before finding his footing again. “Hey, I remember you in a--”

Luke shook his head beginning to lead him out of the largely empty cantina. “No, you don’t.” 

“No mindtricks,” Wedge scolded.

“I’m not doing anything,” Luke protested as they left the cantina. “Doesn’t work that way…”

\--

While Luke got a mean hangover out of the outing, the evening only made him think more about Y Variety Hour the next day -- and the sheer weirdness of being possibly the only person in Coruscant who _hadn’t_ seen it. He tried a search on the HoloNet and it yielded nothing, which only continued giving him an uneasy feeling, but then he hadn’t had time to search all that well. Maybe he wasn’t searching right, Mara always pointed out he wasn’t as circumspect as he could be.

But he wasn’t about to get hung up on a blasted _show_ of all things. He messaged his sister to ask about the exact time it ran in the evening and its channel, settled in front of the HoloNet and...nothing. Confused, he looked over the message again. It was the time she’d said, and no, the programming was some holodrama about the Clone Wars. 

Luke pulled out his comm.

“Luke?” Han’s voice came on the line, amid a loud children’s laughter and the sound of water running.

“Sorry to bug you, I know it’s bath time...”

“S’okay, what?" His voice shifted to stern. "Jaina, sit down.”

“That Y Variety Hour show, what time is it on?” Luke glanced up. The holodrama was still on.

“Uh, I think, twenty hundred hours?”

That wasn’t...“You’re sure? Channel four eighty-seven?”

“No, don’t drink the water, Jacen, don't -- you are sitting on it, no good -- yeah, I think so.”

“Because Leia told me seventeen hundred hours.”

“Eh, she probably got -- no, no pouring on your sister’s head. No!” The squealing had changed to loud crying. Han had to raise his voice over it. “Got confused.”

“Yeah,” Luke said, though it all seemed discomfiting somehow. “Okay, thanks.”

“Sure, we’ll talk later.” Han closed the line.

The holodrama was still on. Luke checked his chrono: seventeen-twenty-two. It wouldn’t be that far-fetched for his sister to have gotten confused. He’d thought that day when he’d been at Han and Leia’s it’d been on earlier than twenty hundred hours, but he hadn’t really noted the time either.

Luke kept the HoloNet on as he went through his messages, sending off a few. He kept it on as he read a couple of texts he was thinking of adding to his curriculum. Finally, it was twenty hundred hours and Luke stared toward the screen. The holodrama from before had ended and was replaced by some comedy show, then another holodrama, which had now come to an end. Luke put his datapad down as the credits went by and the screen changed to --

The evening news.

Luke squinted incredulously. With some exasperation, he pulled up the HoloNet again and specified the channel to look at the listings. No Y Variety Hour.

He commed Han again and got no answer. Probably putting the twins to bed or passed out beside them. 

Luke’s eyes drew towards the news on the screen. Bizarre. He should just ignore it and go to bed. It was just some silly show. 

But he couldn’t. He grabbed his cloak. If _everyone_ knew about it, surely _someone_ had to have a copy of it on a datacard somewhere. 

In some ways, those kinds of searches were easier than the ones done on the HoloNet.

\--

Establishments that specialized in illegally copied material were a credit coin a dozen in the undercity. Luke had gotten to know this particular establishment in Level four-four-three-four when its proprietor had come across a Jedi Holocron and thought it was a type of datacard from an unknown species. It was in the proprietor’s search for a way to play this datacard that word had eventually reached Luke of material bearing the Jedi insignia being found in a nightcity copyshop. 

Some credits later, the proprietor could be considered a friendly acquaintance.

“Y Variety Hour?” The Chadra-fan proprietor echoed with a twitch of his large flappy ears. “No, I don’t have it. And neither does any other ‘shop in the City.”

Luke stared at him suspiciously. “No one’s _ever_ recorded the show?” 

“Doesn’t come out right, they say.”

“They have what? An encrypt?” Some programming had that, but it was rare. “Kind of weird for a show as advertised as that.”

The proprietor shrugged, his ears drooping. “Just doesn’t come out right. Doesn’t show. Or shows...I don’t know. Things you don’t want to see. They never repeat an episode either.”

“I heard that,” Luke told him. Things you don’t want to see? What the hell?

“Just try catching it next time. It’s on every night at the same time. Same channel.”

“What time would that be?”

“Eighteen hundred hours. On the dot.”

Luke flashed him a puzzled look and found himself tapping into the Force. “Eighteen hundred...hours?”

He nodded. No deceit.

Luke didn’t know what to think. He was pretty sure he had looked over at the HoloNet at that time and there was only that holodrama. 

“You okay, Master Skywalker?”

He nodded. “Yes, thank you. I’ll just try and catch it next time.” With an acknowledging tilt of his head, he pulled his hood up and left the shop, heading towards the eastern turbolifts. An uneasy feeling had slid over him. None of what was going on seemed real. How could _everyone_ but him have seen that show? Why did everyone list a different time for it? It didn’t make any sense. 

He barely noticed the slight hooded form beside him until it whispered, “Psst, Jedi.”

Getting recognized in the undercity was not a rare occurrence, but he was wearing his cloak, which meant the lightsaber wasn’t visible and they were currently crossing one of the tunnels where visibility was down to a minimum. If this being had identified him, it meant he’d been followed from a good while back. He must have been too distracted to notice.

Luke felt no danger from whoever it was. “I see you at copyshop,” it continued whispering, falling in step behind him. “Looking to look?”

He stopped. As a matter of course, he always prefered dealing with beings with as much forthrightness as possible. “Can I help you?”

It let out a soft whispered laugh. “No, I help you. Catch a see.”

“I’m having a bit of trouble understanding you.”

A hand reached forward from the being’s cloak. Humanoid, Luke thought, though it was dark enough that he could be mistaken. Fingers were clutching a datacard. “Catch a see here,” it whispered again. 

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I don’t make it a habit of taking datacards --”

“Five credit. You see what all of them see.”

Luke narrowed his eyes. “The show.”

“Yes,” the being whispered again. “A show. A good show.” It chuckled again, low and soft. “Five credit.”

“And why could you record it while no one else couldn’t? This is a fake, right?”

“V-show. A good show. Catch a see here.” It shook the datacard. 

Reaching out, Luke felt no deceit from this being either, but there was enough unfamiliarity in it that he wasn’t completely certain. He was aware, too, that he should be getting on home, this was enough traipsing around for no good reason in one night. 

“All right,” he drew the five credits out, “here.”

“Thank you,” it whispers, grabbing the credits with a hand that was smaller and decidedly less humanoid-looking. It might even have had several fingers missing, but it moved too fast for Luke to be sure. “But once. Catch a see once. Or it catches you!” 

Its voice lifted in a giggle so incongruous that Luke took a half step back. The echo of it, shrill across the tunnel, made a chill go down his spine.

The being extended its humanoid hand with the datacard and Luke quickly took it. 

It really was enough of wandering around the undercity.

Back in his apartment, he looked at the datacard closely. The cartridge seemed ordinary enough, especially compared to the sequence of events that had led him to it. He was tempted to play it, but it was late and his day tomorrow promised to be long enough as it was. At least Mara was due to arrive then, too. 

He'd waited long enough though, a few more minutes wouldn't make a difference. Luke went over to Artoo. "Could you play this for me?" He slid the datacard into Artoo's reader.

A whir later and Artoo beeped a negative with a couple of perfunctory beeps for explanation.

"It's corrupted?" Luke blew out a breath. Figured. 

Rubbing at his forehead, he decided to go to bed.

\---

The next day passed in a whirlwind of Republic Day activities. Sometime during the afternoon, Mara came out of hyperspace and commed him about dropping her bags at his place before needing to run to a meeting. That she had to rush off so quickly wasn’t ideal, but they’d still have a few more days. He still wanted to at least see her before she rushed out, so he truncated several meetings and postponed others, even so, he had to rush back, feeling the minutes tick away. 

He got to the door and urgently entered the code. Once inside he realized, there was a lot of...yelling coming from the living room. An issue with the audio? Actually...more like grating screaming. 

Wailing.

A metallic grinding sound was interspersed between all that screeching. Through the Force there was only light alarm.

Then with a click the sound cut off as he stepped into the living room. Mara was in front of the screen, pale. She turned to him and he felt something cold and slippery from her, distinctly wrong. 

“I thought that was your schedule,” she mumbled.

He shook his head. She already had his schedule, didn't she? But he went with “It’s a long story. It was something that someone gave me outside a copyshop. I tried to play it through Artoo but couldn't." He looked over to the droid, which was standing uncharacteristically silent. "Said it was corrupted -- I thought they might be hustling me. I’m not sure what the being who gave it to me even was, and you know the more foreign the mind--”

Her lips tightened. “I have to go.”

Luke checked his chrono and yes, she should get going, but…”I could give you a ride. You know,” he smiled a little, “it’s been a while since we were in the same system.”

Her shaken expression didn’t lift. 

“The being who gave it to me said it was Y Variety Hour,” he said cautiously. “I don’t know what else was on there. How'd you get Artoo to play it anyway?”

“That was Y Variety Hour,” Mara murmured. 

He looked at her oddly. “You’ve seen it? Because I haven’t and apparently it’s all the rage--” And then he stopped because Mara saw less of the HoloNet than he did. "You’ve seen it?” he repeated. 

She didn’t answer, going to get her things.

“Hey, what was on the datacard? Whatever was there got you--”

“You should get rid of it,” she said. “I have to go. I’ll comm you later.”

"I'll take you."

Mara shook her head. "No, they're coming for me."

Something about that felt weird, but he chalked it up to the datacard business -- everything was just so _off_. “Wait," he gestured to Artoo, "what was on it anyway?”

Mara opened her mouth, then shut her eyes and shook her head. “Just get rid of it, Luke. You don’t want something like that anywhere close to you.”

Luke was tempted to insist, but he knew when Mara felt that closed it was futile. He’d have to wait and see if she felt like broaching it later. 

Okay, he thought. If he was ever going to make sense of all this weirdness, it had to start with that datacard. It had even spooked Mara. He thought back to the unsettling cries from his speakers and his stomach tightened. It was a fake show in poor taste, he reminded himself. Bad enough to bring up bad memories for her. 

"So it wasn't corrupted?" he asked Artoo. "Or did you fix it?"

The droid didn't answer.

"Artoo?" he called.

Lights flashed as the droid's projector came on.

Try as he did, he couldn’t shake the dread that shot through him. What was going on. It was just a silly show.

Just a silly show.

The image cleared itself. Or rather, didn't.

It was static.

Three hours of static.

**Author's Note:**

> The prompt was "Something's off with the nation's favorite television show"


End file.
